You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
