did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
