wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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