He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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