how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
