Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
