A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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