I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
