me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
