I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
