I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
