Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
