This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
