All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
