i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize