you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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