Is it because I queefed?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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