I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
