I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
