Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
