He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
