my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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