Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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