They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Oh god it's open bar.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
