Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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