Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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