It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize