yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We have started to decorate penises.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
