The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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