i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
