Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
