He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
