I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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