a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
