so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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