She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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