By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
