my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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