im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
