I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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