I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
