I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
