Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize