Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
