The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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