i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
