I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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