This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Of course I have a pirate flag
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
