I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
