I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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