no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
