You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
