ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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