I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
