if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
