just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
