I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
